Ramblings …

Dear Imani,

The sun is finally out; makes me feel like its easier to get more yellow into my days.

Just thought I’d let you know its wedding season here. Best excuse to get new dresses don’t you think? 🙂

I can walk okay again. Learnt to treasure the little things too. I smiled today at how happy I was to do the dishes standing. I pray you will not have to fracture anything to see the beauty in the background; to feel every moment. I pray I will be able to teach you that.

I know I sound rather scattered today. I don’t know why…but I know I’m happy. Spent the weekend with your aunt, its almost midnight and she’s still working (PS: its Sunday). I really pray you get her passion, her drive. I really do.

I have to go now; I’m rambling already. Wish me a good week, I have a feeling about this one…can’t put a finger on it yet though. Don’t worry, its a good one.

Write you soon…

Love you always,

Mama

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Breathe…and say Thanks

Breathe and say thanks

I don’t know about you but recent trends show an increase in the amount of whining there is. I’m not saying that the economy is as we would want it to be or that security levels are at an optimum coupled with food security everywhere, on the contrary. All I’m saying is for every dip in the economy, for every fracture in our social system, there has to be something else. Something that we look at, but do not see. Something we can be grateful for.

Most recently, the Kenyan political scene has been on the spotlight,if you ask me, mostly for all the wrong reasons. As has been the nation’s moral fabric, what with the unexplainable rise in crime and unmentionable sexual deviations taking front page on air and print. This, not to mention the endless show of greed and power from the country’s top to households where battery, child molestation and planned spouse assassinations are fast becoming norms.

Indeed, a lot of the news served to us doesn’t paint much of a yellow picture. If anything, we should be forgiven for turning into a whiny bunch quick to point fingers at flaws on everyone else but ourselves. Quick to join in the bullying trends on social media and quick to forget that the news segment is given just close to an hour to air and many times what tops the newsworthy list isn’t the leaders that are taking steps towards the nations development, the wives loving their husbands and families, the husbands drinking from their own wells and the children growing up into a generation we’d be proud to say we nurtured. Just because a case of adultery gets front page and that of a marriage built to last gets a column in the midsection, does not mean they do not exist.

 I believe that because of what is thrown at us, our hearts have evolved turning us into unfeeling critics rained to find the spot on the garment even when there is none to find.

I also believe that we can constantly make the choice to see the yellow in the grey. To see the hope in a nation we have been ‘trained’ to fall out of love with.

Yes we made mistakes, we are struggling to set up structures against impunity, we have families facing more challenges than before, we have a generation growing up faster than we’d want them too. But don’t other nations as well? Don’t we also have a constitution for the people, by the people? Don’t we also have a diversity of cultures admired world over, a growing infrastructural system, a noted passion for life and a patriotic heart so fierce, we stand by any brand Kenyan even when it fails? Just think Harambee Stars.

We have our trials, our struggles, our failures, our unmet plans and unfulfilled dreams. We do. But we have so much more.

We are Kenyan. Even in the face of many struggles we’d like to wish away, we are a people with a big heart, great minds and horizons still untapped. We do have families struggling but built to last, we do have a rising generation bursting with talent, strength and hope. Hope for a future we can build together. If for a moment, we’d take a breather and say thanks. Thanks for all that we have, that we look at but do not see. And in that spirit affirm our anthem’s cry;

kenyan=matheka

Oh God of all Creation

Bless this land and nation

Justice be our shield and defender…

 

Let one and all arise

With hearts both strong and true

Service be our earnest endeavor…

 

Let all with one accord
In common bond united
Build this our nation together
And the glory of Kenya
The fruit of our labour
Fill every heart with thanksgiving

Here’s to a thankful week.
Picture courtesy of Mutua Matheka Wallpaper Edition

©Ang’asa Malowa

15/7/13

 

 

Dear Imani…

Dear Imani,

That would have been your name you know. Beautiful, isn’t it? I wanted you to have faith in God, yellow days, true love, real friendships and family even when everything and everyone around you said otherwise. I wanted you to have faith as strong as your mama’s and her mama before.

I miss you…I miss you.

You have a brother and a sister now you know. She loves sunny days and candy and he loves her fiercely; I fear for the child that will ever pick on his little sister. Every time I see them play, I can almost see you playing with them. I can’t help but think of how you’d look in your pressed clothes everytime I get them ready for school or dress them up in their ‘church clothes’. I told that to your father and he gave me the sweetest look; but even that could not hide the fear I saw creep into his eyes. He’s afraid of many things your father. Currently, that he will lose my love to one we never had time to love, he says. I loved you. He did too, I know he did.

I think about you less these days, I dream of you less and I feel the need to apologize for it. I know its been seven years since but moving on doesn’t work with time as we know it I guess. The way you left sill burns me inside. I don’t even know who to blame anymore. The doctors that didn’t detect the problem with your fragile heart, the traffic jam that held us back or me; the mother that couldn’t tell her discomfort was a sign of troubled waters.

I can’t be angry anymore, it’s draining the yellow out of my days but I’m afraid to let go of the anger. What if I do and with it, remember you no more? No, I’m not thinking too much, I guess it’s just that It’s been pent up for so long.

I love you. Now I need to love your brother and sister, you’re father just as much before I lose them too. I need to lift the anchor holding me in these dark waters. I’m letting go of the hurt, of the pain but baby, my heart will always hold on to your pure soul.

I know I’ll see you someday and when that day comes, I want you to be the glue that held us together; not the fire that burnt us down.

I love you Imani, I always will.

Mummy.

©Ang’asa Malowa

Image

 

 


Loss of a loved one can draw one into depths of darkness once thought imaginable. The loss of a child for a mother, even worse. Sad thing is, many women have gone through this in silence, in solitude, in anguish because they didn’t know how to deal with it any other way. Many father’s need to be the strength in situations where their own knees won’t hold them up. Even more the children who don’t understand why their baby brother/sister is no longer with them, who don’t understand why their parents seem trapped somewhere, who have no idea what to do to help because they too are just kids. The pain can break you, even tear the remaining family apart or it can build you, make you stronger. I know it’s dark where you are but there are yellow days ahead, if only you can walk towards them. Seek out a support group – you are not alone, speak it out, take time to hurt so you can heal. Your family needs you, you need them – talk to them. Heal so you don’t lose what you still have because you held on to what passed away.
Till the yellow days are here, till the black turns to grey, till the light at the end of the tunnel drawn near; hold on. It may not seem like it but there will be yellow days. Trust me, there will be brighter days. 

Take a Chance

pic from mummymoo.com

pic from mummymoo.com

let’s call this lesson #1 🙂 : Taking Chances

A year ago, as part of a society in campus i was asked if i’d like to be a mentor to some 2nd year students in our group. See, i was in my fourth and last year and who best to dish out some guidance here and there than a seniour? I hadn’t seen it all but i had lived there longer…plus I wasn’t given much time to make up my mind and i only had to meet them up once a week so i thought, why not? Try everything once right? In retrospect, that was one of the best decisions i have ever made.

I wasn’t the always out there kind of girl. Yes, i’m fun to hang out with and all but i hadn’t really mingled much in our circle. So there i was, on day one of this ‘mentoring journey’, with about twenty guys crammed into my campus room and snacks and drinks laid out on the side table. Yes, you got it right, 15 guys showed up (I’d invited 5 friends to help me raid the spread just incase no one showed up hehe). Who does that?!!! Shows up for a first meeting at a ‘strangers’ place and tags along 14 more people? I hadn’t even decided if i was really into it and here they were; 15 hearts looking up and waiting to hear what i had to say…i freaked out. The good thing about first meetings though is there’s always introductions to be done and snacks to be passed out so i was safe.

I remember at the end of it i told them that i wasn’t the most affectionate of people. I wasn’t about to track all their moves, advice them on every turn, beat them up for every mistake or call them up every week to remind them of the meet or check up on how this and that was going. I was learning alot myself and all i could offer was my time, the much love i could muster and stories of what i felt they should know about. I told them i didn’t expect or want them to be like me, but i hoped at the end of this, they’d better at being them. Deep down i hoped i’d scared them off. 20 guys showed up for the meet the next week.

Flash forward to here and now and i can say that i made some really good friends through those meets. Some of them still call up once in a while and everytime they do, they pump in some more yellow in my days. I’ll never forget that for my 23rd birthday, they threw me a belated party and each got a chance to say something before we cut the cake. The beauty of those words still grace my heart and i have seen lots of what was spoken into this life come to pass.

I almost missed out on all that because i was afraid to take the chance, to let someone, or 20, be a part of my life. I can only hope what we talked about those many meets ago somehow fanned a flame in them that burns today. Even if it didn’t, it was not because i didn’t try. I took a chance, and if i was to go back in time a year ago today, i’d take it again.

Take a chance won’t you? 🙂

Red and Yellow…No Green

Its easier to call and say you’re stuck in traffic. That beats being under the pressure to get there. Most of the time, its our fastest way out and we say it alot to friends, family…God. He calls out ever so often but sometimes, most times, we’re stuck in some kind of traffic. Traffic we can’t get out of ; sometimes don’t want to get out of just yet.

Maybe if we used ‘un-jammed’ routes or walked more instead of driving into situations we’d be better off? Yes…Maybe? I don’t know.

One thing’s for sure though; we miss out on alot of people, alot of things, chances, events…We miss out on love and God more times that we may come to know. We miss out on chances to see an entirely different side of what could be and all simply because we’re stuck somewhere where the lights never go green. Places where its almost always all red and yellow, no green.

Tip of the day: Keep away from traffic or traffic prone roads. They suck the life out of life.