Why Did You Have to Go?

A friend of a friend was to be a bride this past Saturday. Everything was in place, everything. The bridesmaid dresses, the groomsmen suits, the white and the black was set for their day. No one saw it coming. She did not get to marry the man of her dreams. She didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. See, a few days before the D-day, there was this car crash on his way home and he didn’t make it out alive.

Devastated. Anguished. Torn. Crazy. Shock. These are just a few of the words that would describe what followed. She got to hear the news from close friends who’d thankfully got to know of the tragedy before her. But nothing could paint any yellow over that minute she heard that her love was no more.

I do not know her but my heart aches for her. Instead of her wedding, she had to attend his funeral. What more to crush an already shattered heart?

It had taken so long to get there; why did he have to go? I don’t know and when they looked into her eyes, gave her the hugs, talked her mind off things; i’m sure they didn’t either.

This life, this life – the more i seek to understand it, the less i perceive. Listening to her story, I do not know what i would have done in her shoes. Ran away, broken down…what? All i know is i’d be furious at him for leaving me, leaving me without goodbye.Even when i knew he left that day and didn’t know the day would be our last. When she stood up to speak at the funeral, i could only think of strength; the strength she had that i wanted but was unsure i could have.

Life is what life is and for the living, pieces have to be picked up; hearts have to be mended if only so they could beat just for one more day.

Through her eyes, i saw how real pain can be, how far hope can ebb away and how certain the dawn is.

© Ang’asa Malowa

16/7/13

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Dear Imani…

Dear Imani,

That would have been your name you know. Beautiful, isn’t it? I wanted you to have faith in God, yellow days, true love, real friendships and family even when everything and everyone around you said otherwise. I wanted you to have faith as strong as your mama’s and her mama before.

I miss you…I miss you.

You have a brother and a sister now you know. She loves sunny days and candy and he loves her fiercely; I fear for the child that will ever pick on his little sister. Every time I see them play, I can almost see you playing with them. I can’t help but think of how you’d look in your pressed clothes everytime I get them ready for school or dress them up in their ‘church clothes’. I told that to your father and he gave me the sweetest look; but even that could not hide the fear I saw creep into his eyes. He’s afraid of many things your father. Currently, that he will lose my love to one we never had time to love, he says. I loved you. He did too, I know he did.

I think about you less these days, I dream of you less and I feel the need to apologize for it. I know its been seven years since but moving on doesn’t work with time as we know it I guess. The way you left sill burns me inside. I don’t even know who to blame anymore. The doctors that didn’t detect the problem with your fragile heart, the traffic jam that held us back or me; the mother that couldn’t tell her discomfort was a sign of troubled waters.

I can’t be angry anymore, it’s draining the yellow out of my days but I’m afraid to let go of the anger. What if I do and with it, remember you no more? No, I’m not thinking too much, I guess it’s just that It’s been pent up for so long.

I love you. Now I need to love your brother and sister, you’re father just as much before I lose them too. I need to lift the anchor holding me in these dark waters. I’m letting go of the hurt, of the pain but baby, my heart will always hold on to your pure soul.

I know I’ll see you someday and when that day comes, I want you to be the glue that held us together; not the fire that burnt us down.

I love you Imani, I always will.

Mummy.

©Ang’asa Malowa

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Loss of a loved one can draw one into depths of darkness once thought imaginable. The loss of a child for a mother, even worse. Sad thing is, many women have gone through this in silence, in solitude, in anguish because they didn’t know how to deal with it any other way. Many father’s need to be the strength in situations where their own knees won’t hold them up. Even more the children who don’t understand why their baby brother/sister is no longer with them, who don’t understand why their parents seem trapped somewhere, who have no idea what to do to help because they too are just kids. The pain can break you, even tear the remaining family apart or it can build you, make you stronger. I know it’s dark where you are but there are yellow days ahead, if only you can walk towards them. Seek out a support group – you are not alone, speak it out, take time to hurt so you can heal. Your family needs you, you need them – talk to them. Heal so you don’t lose what you still have because you held on to what passed away.
Till the yellow days are here, till the black turns to grey, till the light at the end of the tunnel drawn near; hold on. It may not seem like it but there will be yellow days. Trust me, there will be brighter days. 