Nnwa, Remember to Breathe

Nnwa, you would only think it has been a minute if you were not an extension of my existence. And so I am glad that you have no doubt that I have been thinking about you even when it has been a while since I last wrote to you. I am glad I do not have to explain things because you are your mother’s heart.

It is a new, sunny day. I can tell because there’s light streaming through the shutters and I sit on the carpet writing this because it’s always so much easier to think when I’m sitting close to the cold tiles with my back against a mountain of pillows by the sofa’s side. I don’t know why, it just is. Did I tell you there was a monkey on the balcony when I woke up? It had all but eaten all of the butternuts I had thought I would have made soup with by now. So I let him be. It is my fault. I should have made that soup yesterday.

I do not think I will leave the house today. So much to do, so little energy. Also, it’s true – hormonal nonsense gets more real as you get older. And the sun seems jeering. Unforgiving of this dull soul. I do not have the energy to shout it back behind a cloud so I will stay here; where the coolness of the floor seems comforting. No, I am not depressed. I am just drained. Nothing some reading, some tea and some popcorn cannot fix. I will be okay. And I want you to know that when you have this feeling; I like to say it feels like you have been hit by a bus even when that is not an idea I want to send out to the universe. Even then, you will be okay. You will be okay because it’s okay to take a breather and not seek permission for it. It’s okay to stare at the ceiling for hours if that’s what it takes to reboot and it’s also okay to walk into the sunshine and have an outside day if its warmth is what will heal your soul. It’s okay.

It is easy to be overwhelmed in this day. Especially when it seems one always has to have a sense of control even when one knows that it cannot always be. It almost seems like life is becoming a continuous race but only this time, the finish line keeps shifting. I can only imagine how much more so this will be in your time. Don’t run so hard you forget yourself. If I have learnt anything nine months into this year is that we have everything we need even when we think we have nothing. Taking a minute, an hour or a day won’t change that. You will have everything that you need Nnwa. That is why your happiest days will be those before you are taught that there is something more important than being able to wake every morning, being of good health, being loved. Just being.

Don’t run so hard you forget yourself. If I have learnt anything nine months into this year is that we have everything we need even when we think we have nothing. Taking a minute, an hour or a day to breathe won’t change that. You will have everything that you need Nnwa. That is why your happiest days will be those before you are taught that there is something more important than being able to wake every morning, being of good health, being loved. Just being. So when you need to, do not apologise. I was taught that rest is for the feeble. Yet now I know even the gods need to rest, how much more we? I will not lose you to this life Nnwa, remember to take as many moments as you will need. Take some time to do whatever helps you breathe. For we are nothing without the air that fills our lungs.

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