Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock and rock breaks scissors. Such meaningful simplicity. The kind you search for many times (several times on Mondays) but never really fully come to again. I miss the ease that was childhood. Although I do recall several times, I believe it was a fearlessly selfish era laced with just enough doses of cute and cuddly to blissfully be self-seeking, unforgiving and indispensable all at once. Oh, the bliss and the tyranny of the free era. With the years comes a weight of thought that is hard to escape from at best. Life is clearly not a walk in the park. Yes, all those lyrics lured us into bubbles that cannot hold in the gravity we live in now.
This lane is not so bad though. The greatest irony I am coming to terms with is that there is no such thing as running from. Only postponing the time it will take to come to full circle. In retrospect, I recall my running phases with a lot of amusement. I am not much of a runner. The few times I have tried to pull off any such exercise have led to devastating effects. Not kidding – I have fractured my foot once, massively sprained it twice and get this – almost got run over a couple of minutes after leaving the gym. I kid you not. I should have taken the hint – I am not meant for running. But yet I still do. I particularly remember this one phase where I just kept running from the obligations of religion and all that I perceived to come with it.
See, I grew up in the nineties when ‘revivals’ were in plenty. Though I still do not fully understand what that truly meant (or why just that one word? Why not a declarative sentence right after it? What was a revival anyway?), I knew enough to know it supercharged atmospheres. Caused many a parent to leave their children behind (or worse, go with) to an unmentionable number of church services. If your folks were really into it, your friend list would be reviewed and cut down to the chosen few that were ‘aligned in spirit.’ Revival things. I am not sure I understood much at the time, but it was planted in me right about then that religion was necessary. So important that it had the single unarguable pass to shatter one’s axis and claim one’s attention so much that children grew up unattended or on their own much like weeds would and life continued even in the bursts of one’s absence. So I feared it increasingly until I did what I know not to do, run. And in that time I still thought a lot of what I did not want to become – detached. But as all troubled souls are prone to do, one thing is replaced by another and work was what I poured myself into. The circle was still coming to. I just did not see it coming. I did not see that in running, I was becoming exactly what I did not want to be. I left myself unattended and life, as always, moved on.
From my childhood’s eyes, religion was the problem – but it really wasn’t. I have memories of babysitting myself and watching a massive amount of Oprah. I remember reading through too many books and copies of the readers digests and collecting recipes (Also running up the electric bill with all that experimental baking). I remember being alone a lot but somehow, I do not remember being lonely. I have been ‘diagnosed’ with a dwarfed social IQ by some and a massive by others, so I think it is safe to say it all turned out alright, revival and all. I am now trotting across many lines trying to make a life I can live in, and yes, I do wish I had had more time to spend with my family. Not at revivals, but at home. Learning who they are and just being a child – attended to. Not alone. But I am slow to cast blame because no one wakes up every morning wanting to make the worst out of their days or anyone’s’ at that. One does what one knows to be best at the time.
I am learning that life happens and I can only try to unravel the foundations that underlie mine in the hope that I will understand myself better, and be a better version of me because of it. That is all we have strength to do at the end of the day, no? Rock, paper, scissors – today I got paper, so I cover the rocks and wait for tomorrow. What it will bring, I will use. I will not run; the universe apparently frowns upon it. Do the best you can to learn, to forgive and to keep afloat. It may be hard as hell. Or it may just be as simple as a game of rock, paper, scissors.