Am i there yet…?

“I just want to be grown up. I don’t want to go through the process of getting there.” Just bumped into this reading through a post on thedomesticfringe.com and though, ‘yep!that pretty much sounds like me’.

This week has been harder than most because i’ve been asked too many questions i have no logical answer to. They’re something along the lines of ‘what are your goals, where do you see yourself in x years and what do you plan to do next…’ and honestly, i haven’t figured much of that out yet. Reading back on this statement on most days leaves me feeling lazy…like i should be doing something that i’ve not yet started and fast. But today, its just an honest confession of a tired, somewhat confused heart.

I don’t have the answers yet. This doesn’t mean i haven’t given thought to the future just that i’m still finding out what it is i want to be and do henceforth..i haven’t started on the how part yet (ha ha!) but i have a few ideas and i think that’s okay. Its okay that i’m having doubts and fears,concerns and too many options to pick from. Its even okay that i haven’t figured out much of this yet. I think its okay…life wasn’t meant to be thought through in a day right?

I’m in a season where i’m still finding out what is out there for me, what paths are available for me to take and i believe i’m probably not the only one that’s been here. Truth is, i dont wanna miss out on the sights because i was hunched down on the drawing board half the time. So i’m gonna take a deep breath and fight the urge to get into a panic-y frenzy over what i do not know and have not figured out. Whoever said living by/in faith = having a how/when to manual right?

Today i’m a little insecure, a little confused and a bit flustered and angry that i don’t have  a complete game plan. Today, i choose to take a deep breath and trust. Trust that time will reveal more detais of this journey that is my life. Trust that He makes all things beautiful in His time. Trust that i need to learn the art of waiting…and breathing without the aid of a brown paper bag 🙂 Then tomorrow, i’ll try thinking it through some more.

Am i there yet…? I wish i was but then again, i’m glad i’m not for this mist will clear and there will be a beautiful sight to see. Till it does, i will turn on my flash light, pull up my collar and walk real slow so i don’t trip or fall. Walk real slow till the sun comes out and makes things clear again.

ps: I know He watches over the Sparrow…and I know He watches over me 🙂

 

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Here’s to the chronicles of growing pains :)

It’s been a while since I wrote anything down…writers’ block I’d say. Blocked by a lot of what’s happening inside, outside…whoa! This whole transition thing is actually more major than I thought. It’s overwhelming sometimes, being on the other side of the grown up divide and I must say I was not prepared for a lot that’s happening.

For starters, the picture in my head serves to pin me down especially because it’s not exactly what is. I remember, not so long ago, planning my post campus life and all that glitz and glam, well let’s just say it’s not so dazzling yet. You can only dream of buying sound systems and huge plasmas when you have not actually met the cost of living. Well now I live in the real world where I am a grown up and it is not always about what I want. I’m learning grownups need to think – a lot!

Sometimes I feel like life is slipping way too fast with nothing much to show in this sleepy little town I’d call in between. That phase where you’re not a kid anymore but you’re still not all grown up. I keep wondering when this ‘alien’ feeling will stop. When I’ll finally fit in; not to mention where. It’s going to take some time, time which I feel I don’t have.

Sometimes I think if I’d been less ‘sheltered’ growing up I’d be more adept at this whole growing up thing. But then, I think not. I’m grateful that I got the chance to be a child albeit a little bit longer than is usual (being a lastborn does that to you). Now I have to figure it out and make it work and this time Wikipedia won’t work.

I’m going to hold n tighter this week. If I don’t there is a very high possibility I may crumble down. I’m letting go of doing this ‘big shift’ thing by myself-clearly, I’m not very good at it. This week, I’ll hold on to three things:

In all things give thanks

His joy is my strength

I know He watches over the sparrow and He watches over me

And so I pray, ‘Lord, pin this on my eyeballs that I may always see, always hear, always believe that You hold my world in Your hands.’

Here’s to the chronicles of growing pains.